February 5th will always be a bittersweet day for me. This year only added to it.
Three years ago, I left my second home and a large chunk of my heart as I completed my LDS mission to Louisiana. While it was good to see my family again, my heart ached as I left what felt like my very identity behind, along with a host of family and friends. I tried not to show it, but I grieved that day for the loss of my old life - a life that lasted an eternity fit into a year and a half.
Today we laid to rest our dear friends’ two year old daughter. Her death was sudden and unexpected, and left everyone shaken by the event. Although she passed a week and a half ago, I still wake up to check on Evelyn (who is 8 months, holy cow!) a few times a night. I have to reassure myself that she is still breathing. Emma was pure, perfect, and too good for this world. While I have a testimony that this life is not the end, her death has left me grappling with questions, fears, and grief. Today I grieve not only for sweet Emma, but for the life her parents will have to adjust to.
Sometimes I wish that I could just forget or lock my heart up to stop the unimaginable pain of grief. To me, loss is the hardest thing I have to deal with in this life. I wish I could just fast forward through the pain and move on to the healing, or sleep through it all and wake up okay. It hurts too much. The pain is too real. It surrounds and overwhelms me to the point where I feel like I can’t continue living a normal life. How could I possibly be happy when I’ve lost someone I love? And then I feel guilty - I shouldn’t be this emotional, I know what’s going to happen, I don’t deserve to grieve this much. I tell myself to get over it.
I’ve recently been trying to understand grief. Why we have to deal with this horrible emotion that I wish I could avoid at all costs. I’ve come to the conclusion that grief and everything that comes with it is the price we pay for love. Love is the most amazing gift in the world. It makes everything around it better. The world could be going to pot, but through love we can face any storm, any difficulty that comes our way. It is the single greatest gift that God has given to man.
If we believe that everything has an equal and opposite reaction, it would only make sense that we feel so strongly when someone or something important leaves us. No one would be willing to sacrifice that much up front. The price for love comes after, but then bill does come due. With our experiences as a buffer, we can weather the storm. To grieve means to love. It means you cared enough to give a piece of yourself to the thing that you’ve lost. If we were to forgo grief, would we have truly loved?
Each person loves and grieves in their own way. Let them grieve. Hold your family, friends, and the parts of your life that make it worth living close. Embrace your grief, allow yourself to feel it. After all, the saying goes that "it’s better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all."
I love each of you. You’re my world and I’m so grateful for the experiences we’ve shared. I’m grateful for the chance I’ve had to love you and the love I’ve received in return.
xo Cass
